In the Eye of the Storm

I liked the concept of this piece - I think - although when it comes to portaying it I think there is room for nice improvements here and there. Such as the flow and the rythmn, I had some problems with this. It seems that in some places you have tried to force out the rhythm in the stanza, and this effects the rest of the piece a great deal.

Also, in the ways of rythmn - I know I'm going on a lot about that - in some lines you either have way too many syllables, which jumbles up the poem and makes it a lot of work to actually read, and understand in a poetic way - meaning that it could put some readers off reading the rest as they reach the end of the second stanza.

Hope this helps.

Preaching in poetry has always rubbed me the wrong way.

Also, all you are doing is telling. Why not show us something? This message is something told over and over and over. What is new in it? I don't know. I'm biased--I really hate preaching poetry.

Your rhyme scheme is really simple, and your punctuation goes: comma, comma, comma, period for each stanza. That is too bland. Punctuation should be grammatically correct, you know? Also, read over your poetry before you post, it has some typos.

Best of luck ^_^ Oh, and read more poetry! It's good for you.

The message you are trying to show is brilliant and you did an okay job. Still, like the others said, don't force the rhyme sceam. To me rhyming is difficult so I try to avoid it. Still, you have to try right? Any way, I suggest turning it into I Free Verse. It will help with the flow and help the message get through to the reader.

Other than that, I think you did a really nice job and I'll be sure to look, If I can remember, to look for your revised addition.

I think that this is definitely a good start. I like the meaning, which to me is quite realistic.

I agree with Shasta that the rhyming does sound a little forced. One way to possibly make it better is to maybe have only the second and fourth lines of each stanza rhyme. That way there would be fewer rhymes and it might sound a little less forced.

I also think it would work well as a free verse. That would make it much more natural.

Keep at it! This is a good idea!

-Sorceress

I liked the message you were trying to convey here, but I thought the poem in general was a little inconsistent. The rhyming definitely seemed forced. The fact remains that "unstable" and "people" simply do not rhyme, and the same goes for "panic" and "it". The other rhyming just simply seem forced and, I thought, degraded the meaning of the poem. I admire your attempt to create a nice rhyming piece, but to tell you the truth I think this poem might be better as a free verse. It is my opinion that rhyming should flow naturally and should not influence what you put into a poem or the general meaning of a poem.